Went to campus with Jedi today. It was a wonderful day, I refused to feel sad or griefing bout things in the future, I refused to think the thoughts that kept running through my mind. I refused to be bitter or got upset today. I just simply wanna enjoy things that came in my way today, with Jedi. I was longing for a kiss, but I guess, some things are better left unsaid. Even though, I once got hurt with that kinda thinking!!

I took my books back, especially 2 of my favorites: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery and God on a Harley by Joan Brady. I got my first book from my mom. But she had made me read it when I was still in 3rd grade. And the moment I can understand the words with it's meanings, I started to fall in love with the story.

The Little Prince taught me to love the sunsets, to take it as a company when I ever feel alone and sad. He taught me bout being responsible for what I tamed in life, that includes human's hearts. It also teaches that 'what is essential is invisible to the eye'. It shows me, that stars matters vary to many people. But The Little Prince taught me, that stars are little bells that can laughs. Such a beautiful story ... The story that teaches me so many things about life.

This is my favourite book!!

All the good movies are coming!!! Cant wait to watch them all! Well, at least I wanna watch Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Finding Nemo. Hmm, looks like it's only 2movies eh? dont care!! What I really wanna watch, is Charlie's Angels. The trailers are so good..

I went to my aunt's house today. Her brother just passed away. And there's this ... guys, that after remembering for a long time, just realized that I've met them before. Silly isn't it.

My health hasn't improving a bit! I feel so weak. Gotta go to campus tomorrow, I need to settle some administration work there. I have no idea, my mom's plans for me. She's so spontaneous, just like me. But she's worse!!

[My skin are so itchy!!!!]

I browse Phillipe Starck's web today. He's such a great Product Designer. He's so famous by his Juicy Salif, and a lot more. But the web is pretty slow to access.

I told Judges that I'm dying to see Charlie's, but I said I couldnt watch it on Monday, coz I got no company. Just now, he sms me and said that if he's not swimming, he would like to accompany me. Hmm... I wonder what that means??

anyway...

Presenting: Juicy Salif!!! By Starck and Alessi

Thursday: cant use the comp, Ope keep on monopolizing the comp, and plus, I had a little argument with her.

Friday: Went to Sumber Waras hospital, someone just passed away. Then went to Roy's house and had a little chit chat with Chandra. He's so funny, we talked about his first aquintence with Lia.
Then went to campus, wishing Indri happy birthday!! and met Jedi. He is so stunning. He always look good. I'm so proud with him.. but, when he drove me to church with Wina, I got all sick. My stomache went crazy, and every time I tried to speak, felt like wanna throw up!! And Jedi misunderstood it. He sent me this 'u gotta work on ur attitude' sms. He got so upset with me, I felt so terrible [btw, after i reached annex's bathroom, I finnally Jackpotted!!]... so I called him, and apologized. But I still cant take it out of my head, how upset I've made him that day. I just got this thought that he so angry, and just had enough, and wanna leave me. I keep on thinking about it.
After church, I got black outs at the parking lot.. and faint for like 20min. After I felt good enough, I went home, but on the way, I decided to stay at a Friend's place. She took me to a small clinic, just to make sure that I'm ok.
Notified Dimas 'bout it, and seems like he did called Jedi, coz the next 10min, he called me. I felt so weak, even though I went over joyed coz he called.

Today, Saturday:@home!! Sleep all day! My condition is getting worse. Feels like freezing, but my body temp is so hot. Felt dizzy& everytime i tried to get up, my visions began to blur... gotta hold on to the walls if I wanna make my way. I really need Jedi at this moment. But he just seems so far away... [crying] I cant stop thinking about him today. Every scene from the past when we're still together just blazing out one by one. And each time it ended, I cried ...
I finally called him, and he said thanks that I give him a ring. I felt needed :') Pretty stupid huh?! Maybe in one "someday", everybody gonna felt the same way.

Jedi hasnt called me yet, nor sms me, whether he's home or not. What is wrong with us??

I've been in the silence
Where I only heard whispers
But suddenly a breeze of wind
Coming over
Carrying a message
That gives the sting

Has it means to foretold the future?
Or is it a mis sung song,
Just swingin' thru my ear?
Is it aiming for my heart,
Or is it saved to wound
Somebody else's?

It says an end of a journey
It says an end of a laugh

{Indira Dhian +Tuesday, June 24th 2003 18:15+ }

I felt lonely last nite, even when I was only gone to bed. So I sms Jedi, and I cant understand what he meant. He sms me twice. The First one just to told me that he was at his mom's bedroom, checked her email. Then he said "good nite angel". Now, the second sms, went about 2/3 hours later, it said only 2 words: "maaf yah". Utnil now, I still cant understand what he meant by sorry. I dont want to let my minds slaving me into thinking negative things. I just dont want to. It'll just ruin my day.

Oh, dear I'm started to cry already. I got this dream last night. I was at his house, there's a lot of girls pictures in his bed. Even when we just arrived. It was wierd. Coz i thought he never got back to that house. At least not recently. Then I found this picture. And I cried. I dont know who she is. But I felt sickness, and pain. Among those pictures, none of them was me. He got none of my pictures with him. But suddenly he came, and hugged me from my back [I always love when he did that], and he told me not to worry about a thing. That everything will be alright.

I got up this morning, said my prayers, jump to my Bible, and started to read, prayed, and cried. I always prayed for him each day, and everytime ... I cried.

Ope uses the comp all day. Got some much to post, but no chance for it. I'll just go and post it tomorrow. If there's a chance!!!!!
But I got this interesting thing. When I was just finished showering, and about to get dressed ... I catch this line of words whispering in my mind. It turns out to be like a poem or something. But when I tired to write it down, it couldnt get as same as the one I heard vividly..

...
Mist is when the sky is tired of flight
And rests its soft machine on ground
...
Rain is when the earth is television
It has the property of making colours darken

[A Martian Sends A Postcard Home - Craig Raine]

[late at nite posting]

I got dissapointed with Jedi today. It's about the project that Ope had asked me almost a week before. Everything just went out wrong today. Every time I tried to take a deep breath, my heart felt crushed & my eyes started to water. I feel my body temp is rising ... I think I'm gonna get sick. Why does he easily get upset with me? Why arent he be as understanding as he used to? Do I really deserve this?

I sms him, and from the reply it really showed how much he felt upset. And finally I got to called him, and aplogized for being so self centered. He accepted it, and apologized as well.

Mom told me that she had a telephone chat with Aunt Nida. She told me that while my aunt was praying, she kept on hearing this voice saying "Indira ... Broadcast, Indira ... Broadcast". My aunt asked my mom, was there anything going in my life that's got any means with what she's been hearing..

Well... I'm late for church, so i didnt sang. But hey!! It's not a big deal. Aunt Audrey send us Tiramisu that she made herself. It was delicious!! Especially when you're feeling rather bored at home doing nothing.. I helped Ope finding this data on the net, it consist of 4000 data to input. What a number!!

Finally blogger is back to normal. But I haven't check whether my Luke& Mara's pic is still there. And about my tag board!! Oh dear, I cant seem to put it in order. I'm so amateur in this. Gotta learn more.

So tired and still feeling alone. Dont know why!! But ... Praise the Lord at all times.

"I will bless the Lord at all times, His praises shall continually be in my mouth." {Psalm 34: 1}

It's Sunday Morning!!! Jedi will be going to Kali Besar to prepare for JakArt. Sigh.. I wish I can go and watch, but I got church to attend. That's a lot more important. I love my Mara& Luke picture... Wanna be like them, I guess.
Faiz emailed me yesterday, he told me bout his life and that I shouldnt give up trying. After almost 3 years of trying, pain & crying, Dinda finally got him. Lucky for them. How in the world does Faiz found out about my situation? Arrghh, I love that picture!! Thank God I found it!

I still cant send Andy input for his friend. He asked me to help his friend who's going to give a speach to his gf. And it's about "Love wasn't meant to be easy". Hahaha... Maybe he thought, he had asked to the right person..

I just wanna correct my writings, bout Jedi didnt call me, well, he did. And I'm so happy about it. Looks like he already load his credit. And I havent. Judges hasn't sms me for days.. Well, he did yesterday, but all of my message just didnt seem to be received. Oh well, it doesnt matter anyway.

I wonder what I'll be doing today, besides being a singer at church..

I cant seem to put the tag board on the right place. And it seems like, I post to many things today.

Jedi called me!!! he just called me!! Just to let me know that he's on his way home... Got this stupid fuzzy feeling, all my fingers are shaking now.. And you know what!! He called me, when I was just uploading this picture of Luke and Mara Jade together. Nice coincidence huh?! But... I am so happy!! so extreamly happy!!!

t h e s t o r y o f
Luke and Mara
(told with excerpts from Star Wars novels)

"Don't like it, do you?" the woman mocked. "It's not easy to suddenly lose everything that once made you special , is it?" ...
Luke eased his legs over the side of the bed and sat up.... The woman watched him, her right hand dropping to her lap to rest on top of her blaster.
"If the purpose of all this activity is to impress me with your remarkable powers of recuperation," she offered, "you don't need to bother."
(Luke) looked her hard in the in the eye, wondering if she would flinch away from his gaze. She didn't even twitch. "Don't tell me; let me guess. You're Mara Jade." from HEIR TO THE EMPIRE by Timothy Zahn

He gazed down at her again, a quiet ache in his heart. Perhaps that was her destiny, an end to her life that he could do nothing to prevent. But until that was proved, he was tear his own life apart if necessary to prevent it from happening. .... But for now what she needed most was to be healed. ... "Good night," he said again, knowing she couldn't hear him. On impulse, he leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. from VISIONS OF THE FUTURE by Timothy Zahn

So focused was her mind, so locked into the terrible struggle for survival that there was nothing else in the universe that seemed to penetrate her consciousness. ... Nothing but the blasters and her lightsaber. And Luke. It was a strange sensation ... Standing back to back, stretched out so deeply together in the Force, it was if their minds had literally melded together to become a single entity. ... In one way it was almost like a logical extension of the brief emotional contacts they had had throughout this trip. But in another way it was something completely new, ... Because within the depth of that mental rapport, she suddenly and totally knew Luke Skywalker. Knew everything about him: his hopes and fears; his successes and failures; his strengths and weaknesses; his highest joys and his deepest most private sorrows. She saw into his innermost spirit, to the depths of his heart, to the very core of his being. And she knew even as he lay open before her eyes, so also her heart and spirit were open before his. Yet it wasn't frightening or humiliating ... Never had she known such a relationship could even exist. And never before had she realized how badly she wanted such a relationship. from VISIONS OF THE FUTURE by Timothy Zahn

"You didn't know, but after that pirate base thing, Faughn told me you and I make a good team. She was right. We really did."
"We really do," Luke corrected, looking almost nervously into her eyes. "You know when we were fighting those sentinels down there, something happened to me. To us. We were so close in the Force that it was like we had become a single person. It was . . . it was something very special."
She lifted and eyebrow, a flicker of amusement worming its way through even the deadly seriousness of the situation. There was such an oddly awkward earnestness to his expression. "Really?" she said. "How special."
He grimaced "You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?" ...
"Oh come now," she said mock accusingly. "When have I ever made anything easy for you?"
"Not very often," he conceded. Visibly bracing himself, he reached over and took her hands again. "Mara
. . . . will you marry me?" ...
Under other circumstances, she, knew, she would have probably considered herself honor - bound to make him sweat, just a little. But with the water still rising below them, such games seemed rather pointless. Besides, there was no reason for old defensive patterns to come into play. Not now. Not with him. "Yes," She said. "I will." from VISIONS OF THE FUTURE by Timothy Zahn

Luke Skywalker, The renowned Jedi Master Mara Jade, Once the Emperor's Hand Together, The galaxy's most formidable couple!

"When have I ever made anything easy for you?" -Mara to Luke

Yesterday was a great day. Met Jedi @PIM, he was so ... neat, stunning, he looks real good! :) He asked me to dressed beautiful, but I guess I cant. Coz he didnt say a thing. Well, maybe I 'm just plain. Sigh. But anyway, we had a great time together. I accompanied him to campus, then we had lunch together. I just love spending time with him. It feels so precious.
He said that he missed me yesterday .. and asked me to go out to KFC. I think it's a sincere invitation. But I was in a middle of a conversation with mom, so I said that I cant.

But he's kinda busy lately, so i suppose his feelings bout missing me will vapour through thin air. When he got better things to think about, he wont think that he misses me. Is that it? I deserve that? Maybe coz I'm the 2nd woman, that way ... I cant get my full right. It hurts to think about it. The proof is ... he didnt even call me today. But maybe it's becoz his parents 'r around. You cant blame him.

Sigh!! After redesigned Ope's project, I realized that my 'design by thinking' book is being borrowed by Indri. I need that book right now. I asked bout my book, and she said that she's busy for 2 days ahead. So she asked when i will come by and collect it. Dont know why, but I felt so mad!! Oh well, enough about that. I'm over it.

Holiday is coming & I feel like crying. I remembered the letter that I once gave to Jedi, that 8pages letter. That letter didnt change a thing. And I'm sure ... everything I've done for him wont change a thing. He gives & takes whenever he feels like it. He never felt obligated, sorry ... he simply dont care. I feel like falling apart ... with nobody gives a damn about it.

Without knowing, they made me framed myself as a failure, useless, BIG nothing, ugly, unworthy & pathetic!!! They might even curse my existence. Even my friends abandoned me. They lost their love for me.

Another day has begun. The sun goes up & the sun goes down. Tomorrow it will do it again. But how about me? I'm in my point of pain. I cant even figure out what to write. Speechless ... Everything is caught up in my head, and I cant find a way to sort it and eliminate it.

Jedi, will you be there in my deepest hours, no matter where I am. Will you always love me, like I have love you? Even if distance put us apart? Will we ever gonna find our own way back again? Will you ever let yourself to be with me again?

[Back to You - John Mayer]




Btw, this is Monet's Painting I suppose??

Everybody was mad at me today. First Jedi, then my mom. Jedi's right, I am being unfair to him. Sigh.. I'm tired of having people around me getting angry at all time. I'm tired of hearing mom's lectures. I know it's good for me, but I feel like I had enough, that i feel like wanna spit it all out.

She told me to move with her to Jogja or Semarang. Leaving Jakarta. I said no, and that's where all this madness starts. Maybe she's right, what really kept me in Jakarta for so long. Jedi? Well, he got his own life now. Will my presence here effect him? Not really, he said it himself. So what the point of holding to nothing?? Mom is so tired of watching me like the way I am for almost a year. Doing absolutely nothing, and gaining nothing as well. I have dissapointed her so bad. Maybe she wished that she got a better, stronger, tougher daughter. I suppose I dont fit her standards.

If you read this Jedi: I cant help myself for having this feeling. I'll say to myself that: you cant fight it, but you sure can hide it, even though it cost your own life. Thanks for the letter. It sure do have lots of cruel words. Maybe at that time I deserve it, but maybe you just looking through and not actually step in. i cant believe you think of me like that, but like i said, 'it's a freedom of speech' :') so speak up. it wont hurt you. Anyway, thanks for forgiving me. I wont take those cruel words on the letter to deep. As long as you ask me to.

Btw, Jedi misses me today. I'm so happy. i really do. You can count how much he said those words with your 2 hands. It's not that often. But I respect and feel gratitude for every single time he said it. I feel blessed. It's like life giving me a drop of fresh, cool waters in the middle of a hard desert.

Phew!! well, Jedi and I cant go out today, coz his car is being used by his parents, it's fine by me. But I cant seem to contact him, his home phone was online, and he didnt reply to any of my sms. Is he still sleeping?? One of the thing we both have in common is ... we're both sleepy heads! gg



Bout my blog, well, I asked andy to view it. And well, he got no problems whatsoever in opening it. So I guess, it''s none of my fault. Andy was begging me to not put him in this complicated situation. But I really didnt mean to, I only asked him to check whether my blog is accessible or not. Dont wanna get him the wrong idea. Jedi told me that he searched my name through Google, and found a link to my blog, the description was taken from one of my postings. The one that told about Jedi changing his folder name.. Yaiks!! yes, that's true, Jedi finally can tell what I'm writing at that time. I felt like I've got no more secrets to tell, once he read this blog. Gotta prepare myself then!!

Cling ... Clang ... Clung!!
He cant open my blog. It's not my fault, absolutely not! We talked on the phone, but hmm, dont tell me to remember. I forgot it already. I chat with Andy today. He promised to help me out with info on studying there. Jedi thinks that I never let him enter into my deep insight, I told him that it's one of my way of defending myself. And can anyone, any human in this world blame me for that??!!
i dont know what to write anymore. Got jumbled up inside. Cant tell which one is my own thought. Cant find my way out.

OH PLEASE INDIRA!! DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, OK! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF LIKE THIS! HE JUST DOESNT WANT YOU ANYMORE. WHETHER YOU CALLED HIM OR NOT, IT WONT CHANGE A THING!! YOU WILL STILL SITTING THERE ... ALL BY YOURSELF! HE ALREADY HAS HIS OWN LIFE, AND IT CERTAINLY DOESNT COUNT YOU IN ... SO TRY TO LIVE WITH IT, LIKE IT OR NOT!!!

Ok, maybe he's sleeping, or his cell phone is in the other room, C'mon indy! think positive ok! Sigh.. i keep on going paranoid everytime his cell phone is ringing, or beeping for a new sms. Why cant I just be cool??

::INTERMEZZO OF THE DAY::
"Seeing many things, but you do not observe;
Opening the ears, but he does not hear." [Isaiah 42:20]

Well, Jedi smsed me and said that he still feelin' sad for what I did to him last night. That I'm not letting him view my blog. I mean, does it affect him that much? My blog?? So, I finally smsed him and tell him my url, and my email password. Silly thing eh? But I suppose today, I just wanna do something to make him happy. Even though it gonna cost me alot ... in everything!! He's going to campus with Indri, I miss him so much. I was thinking of asking him out tomorrow. I wonder if it'll be alright.

Went to campus together with Jedi today!! And that was a great time! It's been a while since we took a bus to campus together. Makes me remembered our early days x') For me, spending one whole day with Jedi is a rare and expensive moments.

We went home together, and he wrote a thing of two on my organizer. Messing "Sissy's" name and all. I dont care that much, as mush as i dont care to Sissy anymore.
Then we walked to our own house. Yups! That's right.. WALKING! but it was so much fun! Watching a pick up truck smashing tomato souce that we threw on the street.. LOL

But.. when I got home, sonya sms me, and I told Jedi about it. Our conversation goes to my blog, and how much he wanna read it. But I havent gave him the permission. I dont feel, that I'm ready yet. But he jsut misunderstood my way of thinking. I cant make him happy for a day, cant i? >x'(

This blog contains all my inward parts, my deep thoughts, my dreams, my complaints for life and my environment. It becomes so personal, that I dont know what will happen if others read it. Especially the ones that their names is listed here. Yaiks! What will they think of me? Maybe they'll understand, that whatever i wrote here, is my own opinion bout the world. And nobody can take that freedom from me, but myself. But will I able to take the risk that follows?

Dear Jedi.. i f one day u finally read this, please understand my fear. I cant bear the thoughts of losing you, becoz of what i'm thinking and dreaming bout you..

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?


According to Swatch Internet time, its @290 right now! cool calculation!! never heard of internet time before!
About the song.. well, i just watch You've Got Mail last nite. It reminds me of my relationship with Jedi, which started 2 years ago.. We met through the net.. I wish i can turn back time. Or is it wiser to stay in the present? I told Judges that i've been in Kathleen Kelly's position. Still got this lonely feelin' inside of me. I dont understand how to really deal with it. I always have friends around me, but this time it's totally different. I picked a few, who I thought will be a 'stand by you' kind of person. The ones who I can turn to for encouragement. But what I found is the other way aroun. Each and every one of them 'fall a sleep' on me. Still thinks that Jedi have tried hard to be the one who'll stand by. You just gotta think the best 'bout others.

Btw, I'm thinking of putting this internet time to my blog.. But is it necessary?

I called Jedi this morning, after almost a day we didnt sms each other. He said where have i been, for not sms him. Well, I was feeling pretty confused, so I just told him that I hit the sack for a whole day. And then he sms me, teasing me bout inviting me to go shower together. <-YAIKS!! look at my grammar!! -> and look at me blushing!!!

Anyway.. I'm so shocked when I found out that last nite, I sent a wrong sms. i suppose to sent it to kir through sms.ac, but it went to other person from england. And it cutted my credits!! I lost 25 credits in a single click!

Ope just dont wanna share the comp! And she keep on warning me about ICQ and viruses and things like that. I wonder why others never got the same probs like I do. Especially about chatting, hey! they never mind themselves that much 'bout viruses! Mom was right. She becomes dodgy with every little things. I hate it when she does that. She becomes irritating and annoying. She got no friends, no links to the outer world. And sadly, she never wanna break the chain and be free >sigh! look who's talking!!<

::INTERMEZZO OF THE DAY::
DONT SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS TO THE ONES WHO CANT HELP YOU!

Met Jedi yesterday morning [saturday], he drove me to Metro to bought stockings, and then dropped me to Mousche salon. On our way to Mousche, he catched my hands, held it, and I apologize for my attitude on friday. And he said that he understood, and apologized too. He said all of that is happened becoz of the full moon. Oh well.. Before I got down from the car, he stopped me and asked for a kiss, you know I cant say NO!! so we kissed, and i told him that i love him, he said the same thing, and kissed my forehead. It was a great morning for me, but ever since that, he didnt reply to any of my sms. I got so confused. Dont know what to think. Dont tell me, that he did it just for .. [cant say the word]. Suddenly i feel deeply ashamed.

Yesterday was ... well, i cant describe in a single word. Jedi and i went to campus together.. and on our way, well, i'm having a great time with him. He was being nice and all, then suddenly something happened.. he started his ritual 'bad mood coz i'm not being straight' thing.. he want to go back to campus after lunch, and i was like being force to said 'ok'. Phew.. then we had lunch at McD Kemang, and that was a great time too!! We laugh and just having a good time together, he sniffed my shoulder (one of my favourite thing from him). After that we got back to campus, and i was willing to meet some people there2. But when we finally wanna go home, i found out that he bring his friends with him.. and i thought.. 'wait a minute!! he told me that he wanna take me to church!? and now he got all his gangs with him?!' but becoz of what he said about 'do u wanna make me happy today? cant i be happy today?' .. so i decide to put on my biggest smile, took a deep breath and join the team.. It turns out, they were heading to plaza senayan, and after that, he almost wanna put me in the bus stop to church!! i just cant believe that!! i was so sad and felt lonely and abandoned.. oh yeah!! almost forgot! before that, i was typing a message to elisa, i was whinning about his behaviour, and Jedi just cant help himself not to read it.. i said no, and he started to hit the gas and made that little blue car almost flying through the buses!! he was being physically rude.. and he kept on saying that i put him in pain.. btw, he knows that i change his email options.. but i simply dont care. and now, he didnt even pick up my phone! Yesterday was all ruined just becoz of a stupid sms!!

My computer connection was down for the last 2days!! And suddenly, when I checked my mail, those mails on my inbox just piling up high.. I went out with Jedi this morning. He said that today, he wanna be nice to me, since I've said to him, that he was rude. Anyway.. I'm so happy, that he's being nice to me and all, but deep inside me.. I feel uncertainty. I'm confused with all his kindness. Coz a part of me, cant comprehend with his kindness. is it temporarly, or is it going to last??





+ Rainbow Over Mountains +

This picture gives me an inspiration: Every life have its own mountains, some people says that mountains means yur loads of problems.. It could be a mountain of fear, a mountain of financial problems, a mountain of bitterness, a mountain of hate, a mountain of dissapointment, a mountain of lost, a mountain of sickness.. you name it! But in the midst of all your mountains of problems, there's a rainbow, that colors your life. A rainbow that forms a bridge, a bridge of hope, that no matter what, you'll get through all your problems, and each step you'll take, will be full of beautiful colors. Rainbows doesn't last forever, so you better make the most of every chance you got to get to the other side. It's when things get tough, you gotta have hope of a better end.

Cant believe that the server was down again!! My other blog was doing the same thing to me.. I already write a whole page, but when i post it, it got down.. sigh.. I was just browsing other's blog. Not to know their privacy, but only to find out the source of their web. I'm so new in this blog thing, and until now, I havent made any meaningful progress :p

Had a fight with mom today, she was so angry, coz i said i wanna stay home and clean up the house, when she wanted me to take her and abbie to the dentist. Well, in the evening, we finally reconcile..

at noon, high noon, Jedi called and we had this deep long discussion bout everything. Still cant be too cheery by wat he said, I'm still got this unstable feeling. He kept on bugging me bout Judges.. At night, Ferry called, and he dare himself to asked me a question.. which really surprised me.. He asked whether I'm dating Jedi again or not. Sadly, I said no. But he didnt believe it, phew!!! WHATEVER!! I'm so tired of trying to explain things to everybody.

This RUU sisdiknas bout every school in indo have to give their students religion lectures, really heat people up. Every private Christian schools HAVE to build a mosque in their school, vv. Well, so many parties doesnt agree with it. But for me, it's called democracy.Never mind about it. God can turn things around. And we're like, sending this sms petition. And well, it cost a lot of my credits :D

Jedi, Indri and Vokke are at campus, preparing JakArt. I'm so angry and dissapointed with my self, for not being able to join those preparation thing. I always wanted to get active in JAkArt, but never got the chance. And this year, Jedi didnt tell me a thing.
I dont really know, to who i must get mad at. But i choose to blame myself this time. Coz it doesnt change much.

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,
Superstar you finally made it,
But once your picture becomes tainted,
It's what they call,
The rise and fall +Craig David feat. Sting+

Jedi change his folder name at Yahoo. My folder, that used to spell SWEETHEART, has changed into plainly: indira dhian. Looks like i'm no longer a character with an influence in his life. So i sent him an email, i told him my dissapointment..

I wonder where my friends are? Arent that "a friend in need is a friend indeed" should happen to everybody? why arent it working for me? Judges keep on being nice to me, or is it the other way around? Geez.. i dont know what's wrong with me.. I dont feel like me.

Blogger's down last nite, and i just cant kept me eyes to open. So i give up the fight. Too tired to look for pics.. I wonder how's kir and andy are doing?

i'm so tired of being here + suppressed by all my childish fears + and if you have to leave + i wish that you would just leave + 'cause your presence still lingers here + and it won't leave me alone + these wounds won't seem to heal + this pain is just too real + there's just too much that time cannot erase + when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears + when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears + i held your hand through all of these years + but you still have all of me + you used to captivate me by your resonating life + now i'm bound by the life you left behind + your face it haunts + my once pleasant dreams + your voice it chased away all the sanity in me + these wounds won't seem to heal + this pain is just too real + there's just too much that time cannot erase + i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone + but though you're still with me + i've been alone all along

Joan of Arc.. Great woman in her time, a fighter, a messenger, but yet a woman. Woman are made beautiful in everyway. Even in battle. Not only in real life, but also in their life.

I went out with Jedi today, visiting Dimas at the hospital. He kept on asking bout 'Judges' (yup! the new character in this blog..) i cant understand his attitude.. did he really care bout my life, and who i'm close to now? or he just fooling me around. he said he didnt care much, so i think i'll take it plain.

Dimas got sick since he sent me the list.. yaiks!! it gives an impression that the list made him ill.. [nggak yah? hehe].

Jedi talked about his probs lately. I feel so useless. I cant help him a bit.. I cant even soothe his pain. I just wish i can take all his pain away, and show him, that there r things in life that u can actually master. I just wanna be the one who can show him that there's always sunshine after the rain. i guess, i dont get that chance anymore. He seems like closing every door to it.

Joan Of Arc, starring Mila Jovovich.. great woman of war!! Hail mom!!

Hello Jakarta!! I just got back from Magelang, and having a great ministering time there!! Well, i'm also feel blessed coz i got someone to accompanying me by sms-ing me everyday. It's a stupid thought, i know, but sigh.. it's just, looks like i'm in a phase where i need someone to be there, and encourage me in a way. Coz Jedi just didnt seem to be able to fill that void any longer. He had become so introvert to his own world, and doesnt care much for his surroundings. But like he always said: "I cant please everybody" Yeah rite, the only person that he can please is the only one he want to please. ????? Such a narrow way of thinking..
I wonder if Jedi really deserve my whole heart, coz I mean .. He didn't really give me his. He simply split it into 2, and established it as 2hearts, 2worlds. It's not really working for me. In my opinion, its an unresponsible system, unloyal system, unloving system.


This new guy, well, dont know if i'm serious, but i suppose he himself just think of me as a temporary fling. not much. i guess, at this point of time, it's all i need. Jedi's actions, force me to be so cruel to the world. Like i said: They just kissed the girls and made them cry..

It's X_MEN!!! Yups.. that movie is so cool, especially United. The probs is, the last time i saw it at Jedi's house.. well, it had a bad quality, so i wasnt really enjoying it.. worst of all, I got sleepy.. Talking bout sleep.. i havent feel tired until now. My mom got sick and she hasnt been going well. Not to mention I gotta go to Magelang tomorrow :( It's hard to leave her in this condition. But, I got to go.

I miss Jedi so much today. Still feelin' fuzzy all over just becoz he gave me a simple call :) Now i got blushed all over!! silly me..

Btw, dont u think this picture is so cool?? I love vintage look on paper.. Looks so artistic. somehow, my thought comes to The Flash.. remember him?

Oh well, so here's the thing: Wake up in the morning, and go to church. At 12am, accompany Elisa to Plaza Senayan and buy some things, then.. 1pm, take a quick lunch.. 2pm depart to Magelang, 4 Women's Conference ... [gonna miss my family and Sweet Jedi] ... 3days ministering [luckly enough, I'll be able to find public internet there] ... on May 4th after the last sermon, go back to Jakarta ... arrive at least noon time May 5th. Between those days, try to call Mrs. Anastasia. That's it.. i wish i can meet Jedi after this, and spend some quality time together...